Be honest. Are you still checking your narcissist’s social media page? Are you replaying old voicemails and re-reading old messages? Are you going out of your way to find out what they’re doing, who they’re with, and how they’re getting along without you? Yes? Guess what? Your narcissist is probably banking on you doing that and is putting on a show to make you feel worse than you do.
Small Steps #9 – BLOCK Him (or Her or Them)!!!
(or, at least, greatly minimize contact)
Yes, I get that you deeply care for or love this person. But you have to care for and love yourself, too. You cannot heal if you continually pick the sores inflicted upon you. Watching your narcissist’s one-man show doesn’t do you any good. It matters not how many people are in his picture or on his timeline. Every photo, video, post, and response is done to boost his ego and only hurts you in the process. As curious as you are to know what is going on, resist the urge to look.
Pain, or the feelings associated with it, can be addictive. If you’re down, you may rationalize that it can’t get any worse and feel like you’re protecting yourself by sitting in the car watching, looking out of the window, or spying online to see what has changed. Usually, the main reason is:
- You want to see if he seems happy that he moved on without you. You’re hoping that he sees what a good thing he had in you, dumps the “new supply” (next victim), and comes running back to you to admit how stupid he was for leaving.
– That would mean he’d have to admit that he was wrong and offer some sort of apology. Narcissists don’t take responsibility for things they messed up. They believe every bad thing that happened to you because of them was deserved. If they return (hoover), it’s to cause more damage. They know how you operate, you are a good source of supply, and you can benefit them.
When narcissists return, they return with new tactics and do more damage than the first time around. You’re busy remembering what set them off the first time and still avoiding those minefields while trying to adjust to the updated person who has returned, which means you have new pitfalls. They want you to adjust your behavior to not upset them enough to walk out again, and you’re trying to accommodate them, hoping that you can win them over with your patience so that you can address concerns at some time in the future…that won’t come.
Why? You’re not allowed to “bring up old stuff.” Interpretation: Don’t tell me what I did wrong. Get over it. Remember what upsets me, but don’t expect me to care about what upsets you.
You may not be able to block the person wreaking havoc in your life, but you can control how they access you, how you respond, and your interest in their personal show.
Change your focus. When you continue to check on him, you make him the center of what happens with you. Your mood, attitude, responses, physical reaction, and time lost are all affected by how much attention you pay to someone who got pleasure in your pain. At the end of the day, what can you change by watching him? Precious little. If you keep yourself open to contact or allow yourself permission to “check on him,” you’re going to find yourself making up reasons to reach out or obsess over him. Things that stay in front of us are things we think about continually, even when not doing it on purpose. It’s the reason vision boards are so powerful and clutter is so problematic.
Don’t waste your life watching someone else live his. You’re more than that. Close the chat. If you have to save the messages, put them in a folder you don’t have to see. Remove yourself from his page. Block him so that you don’t see his posts or anything with him in it. Cut ties. Don’t allow others to give you updates. Nursing that negativity harms you, and it’s time to be good to yourself.
Additional Resources:
Sarkis, Stephanie Moulton. “How to Leave a Narcissist for Good.” Psychology Today. June 16, 2016. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201606/how-leave-narcissist-good.
Arabi, Shahida. “5 Disturbing Ways Narcissists Use Social Media To Terrorize You.” Thought Catalog. January 23, 2018. https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2018/01/5-disturbing-ways-narcissists-use-social-media-to-terrorize-their-victims.
Anderson, Anna. “Are You Addicted to Suffering and Struggle?” HuffPost, Updated December 6, 2017. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/are-you-addicted-to-suffe_b_9744416.